Every month I participate in the Treesister’s wonderful, nourishing, Full Moon Calls and journal the experience.
Response/feedback to April’s Pink Full Moon Call 2021.
“Wow! What a call!
So wonderful to feel the negative ions of the falls.
On the March call I found myself at a waterfall, one that that I knew, that called me. One with a deep, dark pool.
This one was entirely different.
Lighter, brighter, in a warmer, in a more tropical place. The pool turquoise and crystal clear. My ‘clench’ appeared to be between my shoulder blades. I experienced this feeling as stubs of new wings pushing through, not with out pain.
Yes, yes, yes to everyone’s beautiful words.
Colourful birds swooped and darted through the falling water and rainbows in the mist. Like swifts, but multi-coloured. Mesmerising me. From gazing up at them I was then drawn down to my hands in the water, in the edges of the pool, fingers spread wide like frog’s feet, my pinkies, touching the pinkies of those on either side. I was naked, squatting, the shadows of fern and leaves dappling my skin. I looked across the very surface of the pool and the birds were darting down to drink and scoop up tiny mouthfuls of mud for their nest building, only to soar up again into the misty, rainbow filled air. My eyes followed them. I paint with only mud these days and smiled as I tasted the familiar taste of earth in my mouth. I often suck my brush to make a point 😉 This squat position helped to release the clench between my should blades, Dropping my head I felt another release and stretch. I also smelt myself, my woman-hood. It was primal. The squat position with the hands down in front, brought Frog into my being. Perhaps I am tadpole, not caterpillar?
A Frog Woman poised to spring into Action. This is Activate!
Toward the end of the meditation I found myself in this same squatting position under the falling water. Like I’d effortlessly leapt there. Just allowing the water to stream over my head and body. I brought my hands around to hold my backside and hugged myself this way. I actually loved the feel of my whole, curvaceous, body this way (very positive, as I struggle with my appearance and the way I look!). I became a water-carved, rounded rock.
Stayed there for a while just letting the water flow over me, soaking up the negative ions, as the sunlight and swooping birds dazzled me with their prisms of wonder.
Felt super-connected when Clare mentioned ‘new wings’ just as I was focusing on letting them through. Also the words about ‘doors in the back behind the heart’ hit a spot deep inside me.
Using words, that seem to be going out of fashion in this accelerating transition,
Thank You again Treesisters for another, deeply nourishing, Full Moon Call xx”
Kat Robertson. April 2021.
Every month I participate in the Treesister’s wonderful, nourishing, Full Moon Calls and journal the experience.
This month I was astonished to recieve this as a kind of answer to my previous blog post! Divine Timing!
Full Worm Moon Meditation March feedback
‘Finally got around to listening (that somehow feels like the wrong word!? ‘Joining’ also feels a little strange, as the ‘event’ had passed ….. ‘participating’ sounds too active …..actively receiving?? ;D)
I was a mess.
A proper sludgey, cannot-get-out-of-bed, mess.
Of course the usual Earth layers, human suffering layers, but also family layers and re-awakened past trauma layers. A total ‘crisis of self’ kind of eurgh …… crying and not knowing ….. totally undone. All seemed utterly pointless. I was also resisting all that I know is good for me, typical when I get like this. Unable to create, unable to meditate, unable to even go for a walk….I even considered calling the GP and asking for some big pharma cocktail to shut my over wound mind down, (those who know me know how very non-typical this is!), but some small voice whispered to me that I could listen to the Full Moon Call.
Treesisters, I cannot thank you enough! This guided meditation turned everything around!! Just like that!!
The landscape took a while to come clear ….. I ‘wanted’ beaches, palms and Indian blue sea, then, when that did not stick, I ‘wanted’ Himalaya, that also did not stick… then, breathing into it and letting go, I found myself in an old childhood haunt.
A stunning (actually very dangerous!) gorge and waterfall, located on my father’s farm land (some real, poetic, sense in this given part of what I was struggling with) A mossy, temperate rainforest, ‘hole in the ground’ created by eons of water carving the rock, all covered by a canopy, dome, of oak. A place where as a child I wandered, often, talking to the fairies/spirits there. (My parents had no idea!!) There are some local stories told about this place. Many say the pool is bottomless, the dark, swirling, pool at the base of the waterfall, some say there are monsters that dwell far down in the deep. I have swum there once or twice, but it is difficult to ignore the feeling that ‘something’ may be down there looking up at you, such is the power of this place!!
In the meditation I was called to enter the water and dive.
Down and down I swam. The swirling noise all left behind, the amber light dimming above, darker and darker it got. I found I could breathe and only wanted to go deeper…..deeper …. seeking the monsters? To get to the bottom of things?
A clear ‘voice’ said “Why do you do this Kat? Dive deeper and deeper? Don’t you know it is bottomless!!? There are actually no monsters, but you do know, don’t you, that you will never find what it is you are seeking? It will only get darker and darker and colder and colder. Why do you do this? Swim so determinedly away from away from the Light? Stop trying so hard!! Stop swimming!!”
So I stopped
(I have recently seen ‘The Shape of Water’ and I saw myself like that, suspended, held by the water.)
Of course, I began floating up!
Slowly, slowly, I floated to the surface toward the Light. With no effort at all..
This pool is naturally formed with a kind of rocky ‘edge’ that stops everything just getting swept along into the river, and I simply lay on my back, floating, my ears, being underwater, dulled the roar of the falls, and I floated, my front in dappled sunlight, gazing up through the branches at blue sky above, my back to the cold and dark below. I was swirled by the eddies to this side of the pool and then over to the other, a light touch of the mossy bank was all it took to propell me back into the centre, spinning me around.
I stayed like that for quite a while….just floating.
This is a long story, but I wanted to share as the effect has been so powerful! I now am using the simple words “Just float!” everytime I feel that familiar twinge of anxiety that I seem so strangely fond of then weaving into a basket of misery for myself.
I find I can vicerally, physically, recall the moment of letting go from the meditation and then feel myself gently being taken back up toward the Light!
This meditation gifted me a tool I can really use!
It is a simple tale, but it has taken many words…..
Thank You again Treesisters/Clare …. this time I can honestly report this meditation may even have been a lifesaver …… such was the darkness of that day ….. xx AHO!’
Kat Robertson. March Full Moon 2021.
This is a bit of an experiment.
(2019 ‘housekeeping note : Not one I repeated as this was a case of too much information! But retaining this as it illustrates just how much goes on in this artden!)
With so many branches of self expression going on in my multidimensional creative world, often leaking out into social media, I thought I’d attempt to bring it all together in a monthly post!
I find myself often drowning in scraps of paper and notebooks. responses to meditations, poems, quick one word prompts for new directions ideas…..this month was a relatively quiet month!
I am hoping that this way of doing things will allow me to review the general themes and keep track of my artistic, personal, evolution.
(It appears to be a slim book rather than a blog post…I hope it will hang together enough for any readers out there, but will require some patience!)
The real idea behind doing this is to reduce time online, so I can actually get on with more work.
Love aches all around me.
Stretching, mutating, pulsing , Love is making me insane.
Aboard a vessel on a stormy sea.
Clinging to Tree.
No sleep tonight.
Space aches around me.
Yawning, peering in the dark.
Drafts prickle my skin.
The skin I am in.
Stealing time from insomnia.
Release the tension.
A sudden shoulder-drop.
It is no matter when you are awake.
The answer is ‘I AM.’
Bitter wind howls outside the blind, black window.
The clock ticks so much louder at night.
Kat Robertson. January 2018
‘And somewhere beyond time and space, a small stirring, a wiggle, a larva, inside a cosmic cocoon, waiting to burst, wing’ed, upon all’
‘Decisions over how to spend each minute of every day. Slowing down. Opening of Heart.
A dawning , mutating, evolution.’
‘Praying that it is not too late.’
‘Taking up a sword of Light, a shield of Love and a battle cry of Truth.’
‘This alchemic path can only be walked by me. No-one can teach the life changing force of instinctive gut reactions and watching synchronicity. All I can say is find stillness and feel into it from there. All I can do. Living each moment richly and with purpose is not only to be acted out in outward motion. Slow down and turn each tick of the clock into a clap of praise and dedication. Alchemistry is delicately balanced on the ingredients used and one of the principle parts of the mix is you, immediately a unique recipe.
Keep all groups at arms length.
Enjoy the gift of perspective.
Effort in simple movement.
Heart pumping harder.
Aches deep in lower spine and jamming in the knees.’
‘Overwhelmed. Seeking clarity in direction. Waiting – stealing time. Stretching time. Gift. Understanding dropping resistance. Letting Go. Acceptance. Of Everything.
Eyes opened, focus on third eye. Difficult to maintain. Eyes shut. Seeing myself. All that I do. Sharing. Recognising that I do enough.
Wondering how/why women always seem to need to do more!?
List all that I am currently dealing with. Moody difficult teenagers, ‘alcoholic in denial’ husband, large garden, remote living, being cook, cleaner, accountant….
Lichen knoll. Walk to talk with the trees.
Need to bring all projects into the now.
Let go of the need for audience. Create through Love alone. From my core. Build my core, nurture my core, by seeing my value in service….even if others do not see it.
Taking one’s place in the natural order of things.’
‘Sometimes living fully in the moment can lead to too much information!! Juggling with a beautiful, rewarding discipline of balancing lives!
Holding back and resistance to ideas feels uncomfortable.
Resistance to family duties I cannot ignore.
No real desire to go out!! To be with others. Want to, but do not want to….
Resistance to driving. Used to love driving. A little fearful. Not in complete control. Nervousness mainly caused by night driving. Bad conditions. Eyes not so good. Sheer amount of driving that I have to do from our remote home?
Resistance to housework. Serving ungrateful male family.
(life is a cabaret’ on the radio)
‘Time for a Holiday’
Understanding that it is o.k. to nurture myself, o.k. to let things go a bit…
Feels Bad. “Bad Mum”
Exploring that feeling!
Dropping the jacket of worry about what other people think.
Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can.
Practice makes easier.
Everything at once in tiny breaths of ‘now’.
Perhaps there are some of us actually need to get more into ‘I’, into ‘ego’ not away from it? To get more connected with ‘What do I want?’ ‘What calls from within to be expressed?’ ‘What are my guides telling me?
Language of Love.
Thinking out in all directions.
A conduit join…necessary to move energy toward Mother Earth.
Ritual! Discipline! Awareness of need for communication on many levels.
All directions at once.
Remember to fill up with light.
Blessed in return.
Studio themes. Rainbow serpent. Connector. Egg.
————————————————————————————————————-‘Pyjamas all day is o.k…..short local walks.
Jeans are simply the only gear in winter. Practical and ready for any adventure!
Take more care of your appearance again.
Try hard, but not too hard. Drink lots of water. Trust yourself.
Make yourself go out…it will get easier.
Experiencing short, panicked moments of anxiety ‘What am I not doing that I should/could?’
Intense. Working on letting these go and breathing.’
‘All peace meetings take place in a garden.’
CREATRESS MEDITATION notes
“Process of hibernation.
The not-doing terrifies me.
Yet very drawn to inaction.
House getting dirty/smelly.
Fighting years of conformity.
Feel I must, but terrified of the consequences.
Feelings of weakness.
Know what to do, but resisting doing.
Less is More.
Even the less we breathe!
Never want to socialise/fly/travel again! Makes sense…less impact on her.
Trust. Be. Still.
Reappearance of ‘Clara’ in meditations.
A thickset grandmother, Mayan, almost certainly. Trying to imagine being her. Performing both rituals of home and magik. Home is most important. No ability to run away from that responsibility. Recognizing my own need to provide shelter, succor, nurture my own environment in this experiment of ‘letting it slide’.
The sheer applaudable beauty of tiny mother.
Resistance of my own, alchemic, ability. Forgiving myself for not wanting to do more. Ambition and material greed is the main destruction of our planet.
Sitting in contemplation, plus active house-woman work.
How to assimilate these extremes?
Family do not understand. But what is one month’s inertia? Really nothing, not a problem. Thicker dust that’s all.
Trying to ‘count it up’ Really seeing who I am….and liking her.
Curled up in the roots. Not judging.
Can see better ways evolving
Yurt project calling again.
Inability to find the energy.
Praying that this is temporary cocoon.
Fear of nothingness. The Void. Getting sucked in. rabbit in the headlights.
Trusting in power seed within.
Being honest. Feeling naughty. Taking time from others. Not pulling my weight. Not being a productive human. Guilt. Unworthy. Why expose myself so literally to these unpleasant emotions? Psyche screaming ‘STOP!’ Fear of inertia breeding ‘stuckness’. Laziness….recognition that this is all based on a fear of what others think.
Stay in touch with LOVING, always work on expanding love.
Contentment with small place in this world. True, all-encompassing acceptance. So much to be grateful for and celebrate. Hoping that this passion strengthens after this hibernation/separation.
Another ember in the fire.
Totally immersed in each minutes possibilities.
To be in a place to be able to explore all this is a rare opportunity.
Belief that this decision will be repaid….I do not need to plan…trust and all will unfold.
Feeling brave and sometimes close to madness.
Need to break links with those I love too much?
To see myself as strong without those, now old stories.
Like a plant that grows, re-sprouts from its feeling tendrils, on contact with fresh soil, into a new plant….an evolving me.’
‘Meniscus. Surface Tension. Rainbow serpent. Hibernation. More with Less. Nurture Core. Examine deep guilt in not doing. Reasons. Keep recording.
Concentrate. Movement with deep consciousness.
Best action. Best action. Best action. Best action. Pause reflect. Best action…
Fear of becoming inhuman.
I feel it. The other. The wheeling, frisson of all that is Gaia. I hear it. Calling, bullying me from my restricted view to gaze around in wonder.
I want to draw away and be still.
To gaze deeply into my own naval. Just experience the sheer sensation of this ancient new being. It feels wrong…..my conditioned human nags at me.
Such a barrage of advice, nagging, get out of bed, nagging, you must, you should….”what if anyone sees that?” accusations..
Only doing the bare, efficient, minimum. Making Time.”
‘7 Days of Rest has turned into the whole of January.’
‘Very moved by meeting a wonderful young man yesterday…so full of joy and enthusiasm!! Infectious! I am ALWAYS struggling with words in social situations…he told me of a friend who, recently, when asked how she felt, sat and the piano, played a tune and said “That’s how I feel.” Resonated SO deeply for me just now…….just not inspired by words and ‘chatting’, more about action, experiencing….I wrote ‘words just do not cut it’ in my journal yesterday…..even fantasised about becoming intentionally mute so I would be forced to express myself in others ways.’
Sensing so much shifting.
A very random, surprise encounter with spirit animal CONDOR….being from Scotland this is not really a creature with which I am familiar, although we see eagles often….the Eagle and Condor prophecy….
Response to online full moon meditation. 3/1/18
“Have been wanting to share my full moon meditation experience with this page for a few days, but now it seems the time is right.
Yay! So lovely to be welcomed into 2018 by Clare’s familiar, beloved, tones. Felt connected.
Working from my post meditation notes…..
I loved the breathing in and out of various parts of the body, an exercise I had not tried before. It was like a wind, gusting through my body, blowing out bits of dust, played with this longer than Clare suggested! Such a fresh feeling!
Sitting with sisters I initially experienced my usual feeling of not fitting in…awkwardness, feelings of unworthiness, like everyone was noticing my black nails and feet….then as the gui-dance continued, the power of the forest floor, literally lighting up, a network going metres and metres down was distracting me away from petty thoughts! Wow….each of us resting on a stem-‘lilypad’ on top of folds of aurora borealis stretching down into the ground!!…and I saw myself from outside and I saw a self I really liked!! Really, really Earthy. Plain, but strong, very, very strong. And connected. Really, really connected. A noble warrioress spirit…..I began to look around and saw real, people, real people from my past. People who inspired me so deeply, that had guided me on my journey, people who I love so deeply that I grieve for our lack of connection now….people I thought I had lost….THERE. Sitting among the throng! And I felt flooded with light. (I am actually weeping happy tears typing this…bonkers….anyhoo…) I experienced tangible HEAT. It became HOT, but never unpleasant! My palms were, still are on checking, wide open. Incredible palms, incredible hands. Felt like I could do real magik with them….the sensation of raw energy palpable.
I felt a feeling of weightlessness, like I was almost levitating and then was surrounded by a sphere of light, rainbow like a detergent bubble, glowing. Totally protected. Inside I changed, I became a lot OLDER, heavier set, I could feel my whole face sag, the bones in my arms become thicker, kinda HUGE woman with a broad kind face and long grey plaits. I loved her.
When Clare then said ‘open more’, I got up, physically, and opened the window…the out came in, the in out.
As the journey became deeper, and we ‘met the trees’, the wind began outside and the whole big, sitka, forestry, forest behind our house roared in through the open window!! Really loud! Quite a powerful moment!!
A stand out learning for me was the ‘seeing’ of all of us as different aspects of Gaia….I am not very comfortable with other people generally….I embraced seeing us all as ‘ocean’ ‘starlight’ ‘sunlight’ ‘dark forest’ ‘mud’ pebble’ ‘river’ ‘blue tit’, ‘mountain’ , all aspects of the whole. I felt deeply satisfied with this. I smiled broadly as the lichen mutant, earth/air plant I feel I am, ‘sunshine’ and ‘I’ lost all judgment and we connected in love.
So deepest bow to Clare again, from the bottom of my heart.
So grateful for this opportunity to explore and be curious on this journey…..
It also was on, coincidentally Day 2 of my ‘7 Days rest’ regimen. I had water fasted for a whole day before and only eaten porridge….my intent is on restful awareness 24/7 ….think that super powered the effect it had on me, not only the moon!
Looking forward to the next full moon gathering, this month!??”
Thinking a lot about Finland and my mother.
Lichen. Symbiotic relationship. Algae plus fungus. Medicine.
Made a series of usnea lichen ensos.
A couple of plant signature, digital, mandalas created using a usnea lichen print.
“To bring anything into your life, imagine it’s already there.”
“One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised.”
Response to a video of people fleeing the city and choosing to live simply on the land.
“I spent a lot of time moving between different land living communities in my 20’s, I lived in my vehicle, I also experimented, often, with living this way alone, I felt much of what these people share….what stands out for me is the brief, understated, reference to the police in this interview. Many, many times I, and people who I knew, came into conflict with the law for doing nothing other than choosing not to live in the mainstream…often we were ‘dirtier’, driving older vehicles, wearing ‘symbols’ of anti-establishment meaning (dreadlocks, piercings etc.)…it alarmed me then, as it does now, that the choice to live more simply and closer to Earth, can, in the UK certainly, be equated with breaking the law…..being in some way criminal…it certainly appeared to me that the systemic society we are currently ruled by are actually frightened of people making such choices… yes, I was involved with eco protesting, which often meant we were on land that belonged to someone else, that we were attempting to halt industrial work paid for by others, yes, some drug users were part of these communities, but we were always coming from a perspective of tolerance and no exclusion, but there are too many other, very innocent, stories, small family units not allowed to live in a bender in the woods (childcare called ), wonderful homemade, organic structures (people’s homes) destroyed under the pretext of having no planning permission, riot police, heavy handedly, used to break up celebratory gatherings (that would have disappeared the next day anyway), so many unnecessary conflicts….and the lumping of all who choose to turn their backs on modern society into one ‘ungrateful group of scroungers and drug users and anarchists’…something that could not be further from the truth in my experience! So if anyone IS tempted to return to the wild, be prepared to experience a brutal side to our society you might never have believed could be true!”
Song going round and round in my mind “May the circle be open not unbroken, may the love of the goddess be forever in your heart, merry meet and Merry Part and may we meet again.”
Bits of another song I heard recently. Rest child, drop deep.
Refugees in France struggling in winter continue to haunt me.
“Went to bed early and now wide awake at 4am. What pleasure in knowing I am not alone. I’ve been recognizing that I always slump after the ‘festive’ period…but assimilating that as simple, restorative, hibernation (the average bear) Embracing the ‘coming down with something’, knitting instead of drawing ( a cardigan for ME!), worried that my inspiration and creativity has died, but knowing it’s just time to REST, it’s over, the boys are back in school, the house needs a deep clean, the windows need washing, but I am wearing PJs all day (well as long as possible!) and drawn to resting in silence…..I am exhausted…we are in winter here.”
Response to another’s words
“Such a wonderful thread I took notes of what resonated for me…
challenging to wake up to the vacuous nature of mainstream
starting my own business
no-one follows you into the forest
looking for a bridge
liking this decade the best so far!
I set my kids up to function in the mainstream and now that they are firmly in it, I’m pulling away and receiving their confusion and resistance.
What a task!
A daily one. A hard one
Thank you so much for bringing this all into the light! “
The weather man on the radio just said…”Now….let’s take a look at what Mother Nature is up to weather wise….”!
Simple things make so happy! Healthy propaganda!
Snow. Almost lying.
Tree Mandla Tarot. Request from a TreeSister to work together using my designs to create a tree tarot! Exciting idea!
When accused of living in the Matrix…
“I go still ‘go deep’ at arranged, ritual, times and I have never lived in a box (except now when having children/family has forced me into one!) It might be tempting to understand my words as accepting the Matrix…I thought a lot about that yesterday…..but what I am trying to articulate is actually the freedom and ability to go in all directions….having teenage kids and elderly family means an almost constant compromise at this time in my life….coming to centre daily is more necessary than it has ever been before. I feel free now of the Matrix as I can see so clearly where it is, from outside. I know when I am interacting with it and when I am interacting with ‘other’, I am able now to function within it and also step out….I really believe I have earned those stripes! Come on shift!! We are all in this together!”
Prompted by the words ‘much is rising from the deep’
“I spelt it ‘miniscus’ but learned through this typing this thread it is, indeed, ‘meniscus’!! That skin of atoms that holds the raindrop in form, allows leaves to float, an ever changing, ever enveloping, encompassing, surface. Surface is a word that came up for me strongly yesterday. Forest floor, land, texture, sight, human/mammal, form itself….all very surface!? As you were using watery analogies I thought I’d walk on water…..”
It is a lonely path and one I have been on most of my life.
There is still a place for those seekers who ‘walk alone’ , in this energetic evolution, and in my opinion we still have much to contribute to this entire conversation, just how to do it from a position of total obscurity!!??”
Ways to help Kalash tribe?
Suggesting handmade articles that might sell better over here for their co-operative?
Reptilian /Mammalian responses in nervous system.
Dub and Grub. A great night out! Vegan food and danced all night! Power of dance.
Response to a request for intuitive responses!
“I saw the original thread and thrilled with excitement. Automatic writing has always been part of my way ‘in’….it’s 5 am and I am wide awake…I do not call this insomnia for the silence of these early mornings is so beautiful and open…I embrace this calling to be awake when others are sleeping….on reading all the above I feel silenced by the sheer beauty of the words and expression…but drawn to joining in and sharing. I find myself hoping this breaks records for being the longest thread in history…as everyone else shares too!
So? was the title of my art degree show, aged 18. So what? A collection of self-portraits, all done in the same place, with the same medium (charcoal), in the same pose, but on different days. And a book of my poems of automatic writing. My deepest, internal, wranglings. ‘Irrelevant nonsense’, I called it.
The same woman…me…the same face, but the emotions of each day lent each portrait a totally different feeling…the day my mother came to visit…the pain is tangible…I arranged them so they were all ‘looking’ at each other with nothing save the viewer in the middle. These pictures were each an illustration of my searching, looking in my own eyes, wondering, seeking, what is this body? where is my soul? what is the point? where is my gold? Here I am. I am a woman. Just another woman. What makes me special? What am I doing here? Who am I? I looked around and saw so many others ‘expressing’ ‘war’, ‘abuse’, ‘artifice’ … so much…too much…all I could see to deal with, that was real, was me…a physical vessel that I did not understand. I wrote ‘ I look and I see nothing, I look and I feel nothing’…wrote of a ‘not belonging longing’…for 3 years I drew the outside of myself in the mirror, trapped in that illusion…I began to hate frames, the rectangles of A1, A2, and, instead of exploding out of the page, I drew awkward, abstract versions of myself, crunched, improbably, between the right angles, ’emotional portraits’ I called them…making myself into strange shapes…
I even asked a friend to take pictures of me taking my clothes off! I suffered, ironically, from a deep body/mind separation, body hatred, the camera terrified me, and hoped that this would help me to see myself…a project that produced a series of extremely vulnerable images, meant only for personal therapy and never for the world to see.
A quirk of divine timing launched them into public view when they fell, one by one out of my backpack as I cycled to college, leaving a very stark ‘strip trail’ behind me on the park cycle way!!! Mercifully picked up behind me, by a good friend, who encountered them on his way in and who realized that I might not be up for the whole of Brighton seeing the fear of the camera in my eyes and all that flesh!
They then became a part of my public work as I figured they were ‘out’ anyways!
That was me, aged 18, a young woman trapped in the senselessness of it all. And I called this literal exhibition of myself, this uncomfortable body of work, this stripped away soul, ‘So?’ as in ‘So what?’…..I knew I was working, that this honest facing of myself and my fears through portraiture was my work, but how could this even begin to become an income? Who would be interested to ever buy these painful images of me? I became embittered toward the art world, its falsities and glamour and sold what I could for a £5 each…always amazed that anyone would even be interested!
Then set off, perhaps more literally than most, to fill up the vessel…
All these years later still a naval gazing narcissist!
It was always the divine question…So?
Not ‘So what?’ That aggressive self-dismissal, but ‘So what comes after?’
Now I am not knocking on that cold glass of duality, not lost any longer in a flat reflection…..through the looking glass went Alice….I have identified the matrix…the frames that were actually trapping me… and this group has helped me feel strong enough to say ‘So what are we going to do about it?’!!
Thank you for articulating so much and encouraging others to do the same. Deepest bow.
Not the poetry I had hoped for…more of a ‘see me!’ reverie….I feel self-conscious re pressing ‘enter’…familiar butterflies….self-promotion or a genuine sharing? Well, this is what leaked…seems relevant enough to the theme here…still…if nothing else…I am likin’ the phrase ‘familiar butterflies’ ! “
When invited to join a group of women intending to explore the power of menstruation…
“As a woman presently guided to explore my sexuality again, whose pelvis has been proven to be ‘unexpanding’ leading to two, (one life threatening), traumatic, caesareans, whose husband lost all interest in sex immediately after having children, who, despite huge cerebral and heart leaps in understanding over the last decade, had pretty much ‘cut out’ that part of my body (I have been sterilized…lovely word that ) and whose instinctive reaction is
‘NO! Really?? Oh my…help…’ I shudder as I say…’Oh alright then..’
Been having some pretty incredible, cosmic, ‘solo-total-universe” orgasms recently, so something is still functioning!”
“I see the current refugee crisis as a Holocaust of neglect…….not actually murdering people, not gas chambers, just refusing to process paperwork and leaving them in unbearable conditions when so much more could be done…..”
Panpychism! A new label for me.
Importance of Pan, not only meaning ‘all’, a cooking pot, a wide view, but also the wiry, goat-legged, musical masculine mythical figure…..
“I deeply associate with this as I see all things ‘particular’.
If every particle reacts to stimulus (heat, impact, light etc) we are living in a total chaos game of pinball, the edges all blurred and all going in directions of infinite variables…the ultimate multidimensionality! All in constant motion.
That perspective lends to the idea that all is ‘same’, soup of energetic atoms. I am just a different collection of particles (and other complete life forms!!) than a spoon….but when I touch spoon little pieces of me rub off on spoon and vica versa….well….it works for me….we are collectively one consciousness as long as there are atoms bumping about…”
“Dadirri. Aboriginal river healing. We are all river people.”
Response to Live Full Moon Meditation 31 January 2018
“Thank you Clare….glad I made it! Was sooo important to me to be there and nearly got fouled up in feeding folk, but I was rescued by my husband. I think my high expectations and need for this call affected my experience, I had not really processed that this was an ‘Embrace’ call (of course I knew that in my head…but had not prepared…) I found it very hard….so much pain still around my heart. For some time now I have been wondering if this very physical feeling I get around my heart chakra is:
- a) a deep belief that I never learned, as a child, to love (defensive mode learned from a psychologically abusive mother…. ‘armour wearing’….damage that I sometimes feel can never be undone
- b) something much more to do with a mistrust of ALL humans…
For the first time tonight I found myself wondering if I was, in fact, feeling the pain of others, the disconnect of the whole world….
I am one who does not like physical touching, I feel I have never experienced that kind of sister closeness with another woman. The closest bond I have ever felt with a woman was a spiritual connection with a sister in dance. Whenever we were dancing near each other (in Goa) I felt such a powerful Gaia connection between us, like a synching of souls. I know she felt it too (we have talked about it lots, we do not understand it either, we are VERY different people)….and, my goddess, we DANCED. Together we made energy happen on that dancefloor that was the closest to magik I have ever experienced. We still have a very deep connection although she now lives in Australia….it was her I chose as the woman who brought out the best in me. What a shock I got as I conjured her into my mind! She has since become a lesbian and I became all tangled up in questioning my attraction to her. How in awe of her I was/am. How very, very, shiny she appeared to me, then and now. I began to see myself as I assume she saw me, a hanger on, a burden….how difficult it can be to be obviously adored by someone on the outskirts of your circles….for me to keep on loving her so fiercely despite the lack of real connection now….it turned out that her very magnificence actually brought out my negative feelings of lack of worth. (She really is quite something…..originator of a very well-known fire dance troupe and the kind of woman who is a positive magnet to others, a global gypsy and huge wild spirit) I did not enjoy that….I could feel her trying to sooth me, trying to tell me that it was not a popularity contest, that she DID still hold me in the highest regard, but I was squirming under the weight of my high expectations and those, oh so familiar, comparisons.
The woman who appeared as the one I have problems with also treated me with patience….she is a trained counsellor, who many times has been there for me in my periods of grief and confusion…but it always seems that she employs a kind of professional distance, even though when I have shared with her I was looking for a friend…..I sense this deep competition inside her with me… (really NOT coming from me!)…it felt great to hug her, in meditation, she lives more locally and I could see that this virtual experience with her WILL help me next time we meet….
I saw many of us in the dark woods each glowing in the light of the full moon (very sadly hidden behind the stormy clouds and howling winds tonight here) like the glow was also coming from within each of us. Sitting all apart, ranged through the trees, not close, but all connected through the forest floor….glowing amber like the reddish moon….I felt the moonlight on my skin….
A bit that I know will make you smile is that the feeling of heartbreak and discomfort in my heart chakra became soooo intense that I became very irritated by my BRA! So I had to wiggle around and release the back catch. Oh the relief!!! I have been visited a couple of times in meditation this month by a very strong (Mayan?) grandmother, I call Clara. She has HUGE bosoms and is a medicine woman I am sure. I sense the reason she comes to me is as inspiration as I enter ‘Crone’. She is very thick set and a homemaker, a ‘mother of all’ figure. Very, very strong. I think she must be a herbalist as she always has plants in her hands. I felt her in me when I took my bra off. She makes me think I just might ditch it for good!!
I did actually feel the need to put out my hands toward the end of the session and did feel warm hands taking mine….reassurance and support that has meant that I have returned here knowing that it is all o.k….that it is o.k. to be messy…to be prickly around people….I really do have moments when I feel like a wild animal…very wary of human contact, but very, very close to Gaia….almost as if I am frightened that the purity of my connection might be tainted somehow or confused by contact with other sisters….almost as if it was the animal lover in them soothing me….the way an animal learns to trust….but permanently in that ‘fight or flight’ mode….
So while the bruised feeling remains, still another wonderful journey….I had hoped for some kind of direction for the coming month (I really got that last gathering), but feel I have to accept this as my experience and I know it will reverberate around my being for the next 28 days x
Never sure whether best action with these long posts is to make a document….
WOW! My hubby just called telling me to come out RIGHT NOW….I ran…there was the moon, a huge, fast changing window of sky had appeared right over our house in an otherwise dark sky…so bright, so full….tried to get a picture to add here, but by the time I found my camera she’d gone again….we were not meant to see the moon tonight….such a blessing …
All these words have spilled out here, so I think I’ll just press ‘enter’…
Deepest of bows to all my soul sisters and thank you…again xxxx”
Response to Kye Crow when asked how our Full Moon experience was.
‘Joined a global sisters full moon meditation on the theme of sister’s around the world embracing, which is always powerful (bitter sweet) for me in my remote Highland home.
Then was guided to eat the psylli mushrooms I picked in Autumn!!
I pick them still every year, but have given them away for the last 9 years or so….it’s never many, just from our lawn!! This year it all seemed aligned…so I made a tea and sat in my many windowed living room (3 side views) with a bitter wind howling around and the clouds racing…the moon light bright even when She was hidden, but She blazed through the window sudden and luminous, over and over….the candle flickered. Everything flickered!! The mushrooms were MUCH more powerful than I thought they’d be! I remembered a line from a poem I wrote years ago ‘Flickering, flousey flame….spirit within, without a name’…my dog Sprocket and our ancient old cat, Sir Bobkin Brush, joined me and seemed absolutely fascinated by my ‘altered state’….every hair and eyelash flickered and light codes emanated LIFE from them, they seemed very animated, I think Sprocket was a bit worried for me, not used to feeling that energy in me, we cuddled a lot and he came inside my sleeping bag ….my husband always goes a bit mental on full moon, he came back from one of his jaunts out visiting, very drunk, and fell asleep on the sofa. His massive snoring had me in hysterics as I kept seeing him as a big large white PIG…snorting and snuffling. Living with an alcoholic in denial did not seem so very bad as I realized I actually do love pigs too!! I looked in the mirror and spoke with my very ancient self (man, I looked soooo old!)…and I asked the fungal goddess for guidance…and prayed…as I felt re calibrated on a cellular level! A bit weary this am…but the moon was still shining as this very naughty feeling Mum of two sent my boys off to school…sent much love to you and Gil and all xxx All in this together. All seeing the same Moon xxx’
(TreeSister’s Inner Journey and Full Moon gatherings can be accessed through: