working as part of a ‘Japanese 72 season micro-climate’ artist collaborative initiative within Treesisters)
Japanese season called ‘RisshO’ / beginning of autumn, 8th – 22nd August
Micro climate ‘thick fog descends’ 18th-22nd August.
The anxiety just rose and rose.
I felt more and more disconnected from my mission here and succumbed to binging on bad foods and watching TV late into the night.
A familiar negative cycle.
The fear of ‘outing’ my soul became unbearable. I could barely talk sense on any level. I wondered if I should just drop out of the whole thing.
The news from the Amazon had hit me so hard.
How could the world be burning when here it just kept chucking it down!?
I do remember listening to the replay of the Treesister’s Embrace Full Moon call and seeing all the beauty in others, but simply none in me…..trying, almost too hard, to feel their reciprocal love…and ending up in tears, hugging myself and whispering ‘I see the beauty in you’ to myself, over and over…..
I did, however, complete the ‘Remember who we really are’, hawk moth, image.
Something in it and the ‘doing’ of it helped sooth me. The prayer of it. I was not doing nothing.
I had had an offer to buy it when I had published a ‘work in progress’ picture on Facebook.
We had communicated, I expressed a need to complete the image…he understood…he asked how much I wanted for it….I asked him how much it was worth to him?….he replied that that was really up to me….I asked for £500 (15 hours work and all materials…plus what it’s uniqueness might be worth!?)….but it proved too much for him…..and he politely withdrew his offer.
Honestly I’d have sold it for a lot less, especially to this man, as he holds a special and respected place in my life memory….but the conversation had been had and I was too ‘tender’ to pursue him….frightened to hear that perhaps he no longer loved it now it was complete.
I often found myself spending too much time on Facebook….entering the conversations with zeal, but aware that I was postponing the inevitable.
I did however experience huge waves of clarity while responding to others experience of climate change grief…..most of which is now lost in the ‘river’ of timelines….I found words pouring out of me….and not all anxious nonsense.
I seemed to be able to make more sense of this crisis than my own life! If that makes any sense at all!
The rain continued.
There was nothing for it but to embrace it.
I put up my tipi as a dry workshop and got my head down to build the doors and one wing (I had miscalculated the wood I’d need to complete both and it was too late to order more.)
It was all a bit last minute.
I lost my temper every time I did something stupid or forgot to get something. It was all coming on me too fast.
This was it.
The event I had worked all summer for…..and I was barely holding it together……I was like a rabbit in the headlights…..soaked to the bone in summer rain….and nothing seemed to be working for me…..
Then this little fellow mistakenly flew into my artden window!
Something that had never happened before….when I heard the flapping I found him/her here. Just breathing fast and ‘hiding’ in plain sight, in the middle of my ‘alter’ window sill. Crouching next to Buddha. Amazingly little had been knocked off!
I wondered if he/she had been attracted by the collection of dead moths and beetles that I ‘put to rest’ in my ‘all to dust’ bowl?
I gently scooped him/her up, so aware of his/her tiny, beating, fearful heart and let him/her fly out of another window and I think, in that moment, I kind of let go of all these mind constructed worries and decided to just get on with it!
Rather wonderfully the entire housemartin family spent the next half hour wheeling and chirping outside of my window. It really felt as if they were thanking me and spurring me on!
This was the first time I had re-connected properly, to all I work with, for what felt like weeks. Thank you wee housemartin. Your message was clear.
Sometimes in life one gets oneself into a corner….there might seem like there is no way out, but if you are lucky, and sit very still, great helping hands come out of nowhere and open new windows for you….here’s hoping!